full stop

when you put all the chaos a full stop,
i might have made a promise
to be waiting and wanting.
and
i might have made a promise
to accept the come back, anytime.

i have to agree
that i have been such a fool.
to believe in uncertain chances.
to remain as angelic as the angels.
to care about others' feelings and
being so ignorant to mine.

i am ashamed to admit
up till this extend,
i still put others before me.
scared if i ever hurt their feelings.
fear of making them sad and dissappointed.

maybe i am a devoted worshiper to the love i have for you
still and always will
that i always feel responsible to your mess
and try to untie the tangles that others create
regardless what costs me.

as time passing by,
i learnt.

maybe now it is the time
let me put one too.
a full stop.



the rain will stop
when the sky has no more tears.

the leaves will fall
when its stem gets rot and old.

this feeling stays true
let it be there, let it be a statue.
hush there...
a feeling to remember.

this feeling doesn’t want any chance
it wants you to keep on the run.

don’t come back
because
you can’t be faithful.

don’t give me another promise
because
you never keep one.

stop hurting me..

this is the ending.
you put a full stop.
it is a full stop.
it means, enough…


yours from the past,
nfhms.

p/s: *praying hard for your happiness*

Chapter Closed : Part II

It has been 12 days since the last goodbye.

Time goes on but I don’t. I need change but not bring myself to accept one. Agreed with a friend of mine; it is like the process of deleting a habit. but I must try.

I have to face this abrupt loss, after all. Deal with it, cope with it, and live with it.

When people ask or say;
“How are you?”
“Are you okay?”
“Be strong!”


“I’m fine, thank you.” (nodding)
“I’m okay.” (nodding)
“…” (smiling and nodding)

are my answers. Maybe I literally mean it. Maybe I don’t.
I can’t tell how I feel. I can’t tell what I am thinking of. I don’t know what I do. I don’t know where I am heading to.

Yes. I am lost. Lost at thinking perhaps?

I know there are 2 ways of coping up with this.

First, delete all pictures, phone numbers, bittersweet memories, cut the connections, forget everything, be a stranger and move on; in which good for me and this is what many 'broken-hearts' try to do.

or...

keep everything, smiles in each encounter, remember everything, take everything with you and move on; in which way much better but harder to be done.

hurm… *thinking*

I’ll go for the second one. I’ll work on it.

Chapter is closed. I am moving on, and who’s coming with me?


yours truly,
nfhms.

Chapter Closed : Part I

What I am going to write is a sad love story. A chapter in my life.

Some understand about the whole episode.
Many know parts of it.
Lots are aware that there is a history.

But only few know everything.
Perhaps the characters in this tale,
…she, him and I.

Some observed. Some ignored.
Many cared. Only little involved.

I never thought to write or give any comments for what had happened. I never planned to.
But today, I feel like writing. I feel like summarizing.
It hurts, for sure. It is painful, of course.

I am naïve. I am innocent. I believed that every story has a happy ending.
At the age of eighteen, I found this love. A love that shaped what I am today.
Like an angel (without the wings), so pure and so clean, I had devoted myself to this love.
I went through the most vital growing up phase; a phase of transition from a guiltless teenager to a matured young adult, with this love around.
I forgot what independent mean. I forgot what distant mean. I forgot what individual mean.
My world revolved around him.
He has become my better half. He has become my habit. He has become my everything.
Always have and forever will.

After almost 4 years, hope has sprung a perfect dive.
A dream of happy ending sunk. A bright future submerged.
He suddenly had to leave. Like a fatherless-sibling-less-4-year-old girl who is going to lose her mother, that is how I feel. I don’t know where do I go or nor I know what I should do.
This is beyond what I expected or rather hoped it to be. It conceded my defeat. It shattered my world. It broke my heart. It pulled out the plug of my life.

He is now no longer I meet on one-to-one basis. I just heard his name from my other friends. Of course it hurts knowing he is reachable but unable to be in contact but that’s fine. This is what fate wants me to learn;

love mustn’t have to own

This is what fate has decided for me.

This chapter is closed.



yours truly,
nfhms.

savour these last moments

Life is hard.
I don’t know where to turn to.
I don’t know what I should do.
I don’t know how to cope up.
I don’t know when and how to move on.
I don’t know if I can.

It is hard…
When I have to choose and decide and I have to fight
When the poison is the only remedy from the very start
When the man began as a daddy, a hero, a prince, a savior fall apart
When the one who does everything for me can’t even do things for himself anymore

No more
Hands to wipe my tears away
Fingers to rub my tummy and my back when I don't feel well
The only favorite voice and will never fail to console when I sulk
The only face that can make me smiles when no one does
The only one who knows how to pamper when I curl up like a child
The only tough and smart body who will give me a piggy back ride
The only figure who is part of me as it has always been
The only person who knows everything about me
The only strength for me to grow stronger since we first met
The first and the only guy whom I devoted myself to
The only reason for me to be here in this world, in this moment.

It is harder…
To doze off in those arms
To end the nights with sweet lullaby
To wake up with those big and beautiful eyes
To start every morning with hugs and kisses
and knowing that only 6 nights and 7 mornings left.

Harder, still.
to have the right and chance for a little fairness
for a little hope.
for a little future.
but not to fight for it.

Hardest of all.
to have everything all that i need
but him.
to fall again and again
stumble and stumble
to bleed and to suffer
to bear the pain
and
not having the strength anymore.
not having the reason to live.


yours that you left,
nfhms.

our paradise.our world.

again.

i was so delighted.
being in this paradise has never made me disappointed.
this addiction is a beautiful pain. i have always craved for more and more even if i know, it might kill me someday.
(it already did somehow)

but i don’t care. i live in it and would die in it.

the monster is in green today. he hopped in the car with his un-set hair, it was messy like edward cullen’s hair.

hey sexy. i mean, Edward Cullen (literally).
the shirtless Edward Cullen is my favourite scene. SEXY!

okay. my monster was like ogling me from his seat.
all i did was grinned. ngee~


another blank page had been doodled pleasantly.
full of colourful paints , a perfect tint.
flourished by the sunshine upon it.

it is a paradise. a beautiful one. a hard-to-resist type.
it is wonderful. it is dazzling.
always have and forever will.


monster's princess,
nfhms.

wrapped in a monster's arms

Emotion: heart is jumping like a monkey.
Face expression: smiling ear-to-ear.
Position: lying on the bed, left-feet across the other.


It was raining. It was cold. I wish I am in the monster’s arms. But I have yet, a few miles awaited for me ahead.

There he goes. The monster is in black today.

He welcomed me with a big bear hug. I feel safe and I feel pampered. Yes, I needed the comfort.

The rain hasn’t stopped yet. Both of us are sleepyheads. We canceled our plan but we went for a ride instead.

It was all about reminiscing about his childhood memories, former schools and previous houses. What he used to do when he was a kid. What had happened when he was young. How sucky it was to wait for the bus after the school time.

We messed and dirty my car’s seats with the sweet potatoes that fell down when I fed him. The same goes for the sushi, crispy mushroom, and alien doughnuts. Milo is delicious and juicy so we tried hard not to spill out any drops of it.

The ride was fun, I couldn’t agree more. The monster and I felt so comfortable that we suddenly were praising the pleasure of sleeping. We headed home in the middle of the rain then.

A bowl of hot mushroom soup. A hug and lot of kisses.
were the next menu.

in the kitchen, i smiled. on the couch, i lay down. in my heart, i jumped.




p/s: thank you monster.



yours forever,
nfhms.

..and i was safe in your love.

how sweet!

loves first kisses.hush...

the lingering caresses of two hearts
unwilling to break the spell of ages.

you came to me.
bourne on the breath of hope.
...and i was safe in your love.

i feel you.
in my blood, in my bones.
your heart beats out the rhythm of my joy.
an intricate and intoxicating dance.

i
know
you.

the end is near.no, it already happened.
oh no!

fear not,my love.

for even the darkest hour,

i
am
here..


love,
nfhms.


...and i was safe in your love.

love triangle

Every time I think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind

There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows

While every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say
I feel fine and I feel good

I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem

I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be