a piece of trash

i'm sorry
i can't afford a better shelter for you.

too many things make you feel uncomfortable being here.
lack of this.lack of that.

i know how you feel.
because i have the same feelings.
if i know the feeling,
i can imagine what more if it's you.
maybe yours are beyond than mine.

uncomfortable.
90% insecured.
less freedom.
full of boredom.
almost every action has its limitation.

every time i try to make you feel better,
you make me feels useless.
what i said fly to no direction.
what i do is merely a doll's action.

maybe time heals better than i do.
or maybe we are driving too fast.


not a painkiller,
nfhms.

sumpah tak buat lagi

for agreeing with my thought that this one particular assignment is really such a wasting time, i repeatedly delaying the process of doing it. no matter how i hate assignments, there is no way out. deal with it or else, you would not score again for this semester.

i should have done it earlier, for a better preparation and for a better presentation. though, many factors contributes to its late progress. i did it this morning. at 2 a.m. hardcopy finished at 6.15 a.m.
never have i stayed up this late for doing my assignment.never.the most i can go is until 4 a.m.

i woke up at 8 in the morning, and rushed to the bathroom.
i was in rushing.then i checked out my timetable, the class starts at 9.30 a.m.so i jumped back onto my bed and slipped under the blanket.i dozed off.deeply.that when i awoke, it was 10minutes before class start.

damn.i haven't practiced my presentation yet.not even for a round.
i dressed up and hopped into the car and drove fast.

i was totally not ready.
my mind was in the mess state.
i tried to focus.but i can't.

what done is done.
the presentation was a bit clumsy but everything was under control.
still, i don't feel the satisfaction.
serve me right.


sumpah tak buat lagi,
nfhms.

discomfort

my hands shiver.
my feet are cold.

i feel dizzy.
i don't feel good.

i feel like throwing up.
i need discomfort-killer syrup.

weaker,
nfhms.

dear abah...

dear abah,
do you hear me?

i really want to talk to you but i can't pick up your call.
i am sorry.

i'm crying.
i dont want to worry you.i wish i could tell you what i'm going through here.
i wish i could share every single thing with you.i know, i just can't.

but i want you to know,
that i miss you and mom so much.

abah,
adek nak balik...T.T


your daughter,
nfhms.

....

why dont you ask for my hands when we walk together?
why dont you hug me when you know that i need one?
why dont you pet me when i cant express my feelings?
why dont you do things that you used to do before i become yours?
why dont you try to comfort me instead of asking me questions?
why dont you read me like a book as you always did before?

love can be broken into percentages.so keep some for yourself.
that's what i always tell myself.to bare in mind.
no matter how many times i remember that,
i always failed.

to love someone whole heartedly,
to prioritize my loved one,
that's just the nature of me.


.....,
nfhms.